Sunday, December 30, 2012

Breath of Fire


In the last month I've embraced fire is my kindred element. Earlier in the fall, when I felt my heart on fire, it kept re-appearing in my life--a burning release ritual with my spiritual friends, re-painting my studio a rich "Earth Henna," a late night bonfire, my creation of an enso-fire tattoo design, and most recently, this piece of autonomic artwork representing my heart-stomach.

My current relationship toward fire is more than a metaphor, it is fueling a deep healing process. It is a passionate, simmering energy that is affording me intensity and patience. Importantly, it is the force that is allowing me to easily burn away many long-held patterns, cravings, people and ways of being that don't serve, don't resonate, and don't support this process.

There's a certain violence that comes with holding fire, with which I'm not incredibly comfortable. I am doing my best to let it travel freely. I am, though, more comfortable with the sight which its light offers. I'm seeing and observing new dimensions of the old, and being introduced to the newly discovered (but not "new" by any means). This is my poetic description of a very exciting yet extremely frightening day-to-day unfolding.

Engulfed in a devastating break-up from my partner of three years, and an overall difficult emotional year, I went on a three-day self-retreat at a beautiful, local park in Northern Virginia. There, I meditated and journaled on a cliff each morning, and hiked trails each afternoon. I had amazing friends check-in with me by phone at designated times to rely where I was, and to hear their feedback, and encouragement. At the end, I left more peaceful, but less grounded. I confronted some of my repressed pain of the past year, and fed elaborate delusions about where I was and the future, at the same time.

Weeks later I felt more grounded than before. I suffered the shattering of my mountain-top delusions almost immediately after I returned. I shed a lot of responsibilities that felt non-essential to create space for myself. I began to take my chronic stomach pain more seriously. I re-committed to regular acupuncture with wise, knowledgeable dear friend and counselor. I felt particularly fragile, tender-hearted, and self-assured.

Acupuncture opened the door to the truth that my gut pain was connected to earlier childhood fears, which manifested through my relationships with my mother and ex. I had never taken the "inner child" seriously before then. The first step was permitting this trauma to speak for itself through my body because my conscious mind had repressed feelings for so long that it no longer recognized pain as pain. More recently, acupuncture has brought to surface various aches and irritations that were my coping mechanisms -- comfort eating, intellectual escape, etc. Acupuncture, for some, is their main method for healing deep trauma; in my case, it is the practice that tells the truth for me so that I can continue the healing.

Around the same time my acupuncture practice was deepening, I read an important book that reinforced my acupuncture work, and spontaneous inner-child experience, called "When the Body Says No: Exploring the Stress-Disease Connection." I read a whole chapter about myself, in the class of Irritable Bowel Syndrome sufferers, who suppress anger and other feelings as addictive care-takers.

I understood this observation because whenever I had a hard relationship conversation with my former partner I had intense stomach pain, and frequented the bathroom. (Let me also add that much of our relationship was very healing in that I had been much, much more vulnerable and intimate with her than I ever thought possible in a relationship.)

Nonetheless, this book gifted me with a way to explain the connection between my emotional triggers and physiological response, of which my conventional medical doctors either didn't know or under-estimated.

I gained more insight into my emotional trigger through a book that I finished on Christmas Day, called "Shadows on the Path" by Abdi Assadi, a hella-grounded ex-junkie, body worker and therapist based in NYC. I was always moved by his recorded workshops, many of which I listened to while on my mini-retreat, including a very memorable "dying practice" exercise. His book culminates his warnings against gurus, and observations from studying a wide range of spiritual/emotional practices, from martial arts to shamanism. A helpful passage:

"Robert Bly wrote my favorite book on the topic [of human shadows] called A Little Book On The Human Shadow. In it he pictures the shadow as a big, invisible bag that we each drag behind us. As children, we unconsciously put the parts of ourselves our parents didn't like into that bag. Due to our desperaate want and need of our parents' love an disapproval we felt compelled to disown and bury the parts of ourselves that might threaten that love...

By the time we reach adulthood, our bag is overflowing with suppressed material such as anger, wildness, greed, rudeness, silliness, spontaneity, selfishness or sexuality. Any part that is not acknowledged or that we are shamed by gets dumped in. This unconscious act of hiding our socially unaccepted pieces can lead to a huge loss of vitality. Repressing an aspect of oursevles takes energy on two levels: it takes effort to keep the material repressed and the repression denies us access to the natural viality contained in that part of oursevles.

What's inside that bag is as much who we are as the 'nice' or socially accepted aspects. It's like somebody teaching us to be ashamed of our left arm, so we always keep it out of sight under our clothes. We act as if we have only one arm, which in itself takes energy, and at the same time we end up using only one half of our upper body strength." pp. 48 - 49.

The page goes on to discuss the shadow of anger. I'm beginning to uncover that although I am very loving parents, there was a long stretch of time where they were consumed by their own addictions and demons, so that I had to take on responsibility for my emotional well-being and that of my brother. I did this while living a  dissociative life where I was barely surviving at home, but thriving at school, on sports teams, etc. I developed a deep fear of abandonment, and the coping mechanism of care-taking.

The compulsive care-taking denies my own vulnerability with family, friends, and notably partners. If I'm taking care of someone else, I'm distanced from my own emotional and psychic needs. As Abdi shares, this pattern is the ultimate ego-trip. My long-time investment into the fiction that I'm needed is all about me in an undermining sense.

I've been able to stay on the care-taking wheel because I've told myself that true vulnerability, in which those around me can witness and be a part of all of the mess, and beauty that is "Richael" is really too much to ask any person to hold. (Only recently have I begun letting close friends in the same way that I've at least mimicked with partners.) The way to help myself isn't to just identifying and undoing the pattern--the cure is self-love. As I learn to love my shadow, I anticipate that the rest will undo with little effort.

Of course, this deepening is supported by a lot of smaller practices like daily meditation, regular yoga, an audio diary, poetry-writing/art-making, reiki, whole foods and naturopathy, and new adventures with friends. I have a few healing partners whom I playing critical roles in my practice in vulnerability & accountability. I am also seeking out other supports as they make sense to do.

For example, I am doing zero-balancing as a complement to acupuncture, to facilitate some of the deep-healing body work that I need, along with therapeutic massage to help with the pains that surface, as my old coping mechanisms go away. I am also planning to see a shaman later in January for a soul retrieval, to uncover sacral and solar plexus charka damage from past lives, which are contributing to my stomach pain, and which I uncovered through reiki, zero-balancing, and acupuncture.



I hope to be intentional about the practices and people that I'm inviting in, not seeing anyone that I could see because I need "healing." I'm also taking my time because this is literally a life-long process.

So I'm entering 2013 with a dramatic shift in how I am experiencing and moving through the world. Interestingly a lot of close friends and new friends are making similar choices, and thriving; others are struggling to find a way forward.

Integration is my theme for the New Year, the Age of Aquarius. I know that many of you are on the same healing path, which we are doing for our loved ones past and present, and really, all beings.

Many blessings, stay encouraged, and please let me know if I can support your journey.

Cheers,
R.

PS - Some of y'all know that the Breath of Fire is a kundalini yoga breathing technique. It's my favorite yoga practice and I find it extremely challenging to do properly.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

(Re) Embodied


I didn't begin listening to myself until my body almost failed...

A year and a half ago I had sharp stomach pain that grew into a near-ulcer. I managed the condition for a while as I sought medical opinions about its cause. There were disappointingly little insight, and, in fact, for the most part, doctors didn't show much concern or urgency about an extremely healthy 27-year old developing a seemingly spontaneous chronic stomach disease.

I got particularly sick a week ago once I started an antibiotic course for a bacterial infection, related to, but not the source, of my stomach problems--including a mysterious allergic reaction that closed my throat, and required a short visit to the ER. Over the next few days I had "differential" symptoms that pointed toward another infection, or a serious ovary issue, or something else. Admittedly some things got really weird...I'll leave it at that.

I'm better, for now. I couldn't be more grateful for access to excellent healthcare, an attentive and affirming primary care doctor, a deeply knowledgeable acupuncturist/healer, an understanding boss, very reliable friends, concerned parents, among others.

I found myself in a transformative moment during this latest episode...

I've accepted that the source of my physical suffering is the manifestation of neglected parts of my emotional self. A friend on a similar health and healing journey turned me on to a beautifully insightful book, "When the Body Says No: Exploring the Stress-Disease Connection," by Gabor Mate, M.D. There, I learned that irritable bowel issues is a classic constellation of symptoms stemming from repressed anger and other deep, persistent healing needs. This Western medicine perspective is not too different from my Eastern acupuncturist's observations that if I released not only my present, but past feelings, more easily that my chronic stomach and lung conditions (I spontaneously developed asthma during the end of college) may dissipate. In other words my body is saying "NO" to continuing to hold layers of micro-stresses to which I've grown accustomed to overtime.

Stress so integrated into my life that I take its presence, and my responsibility for it, for granted. This is a fact that I had to own last week, when while relating a chaotic night during high school involving (step)parents' fighting, alcohol, wondering alone late at night, and almost being run over by a car that a parent was driving, to a close friend, she replied "[t]hat sounds traumatic." To which I said, "Oh. I guess it was." There were so many events in my early life like that I had just described it "another crazy thing that actually happened."

This link itself is not new information to me. The important part that I'm yet to fully understand is to soothe the stress that has taken residence in my body, and is integrated in my emotional life, I must reach into my past (again) to release old trauma and welcome new ways of being into my present.

I can offer a powerful example that occurred a few weeks ago. I was having an unusually depressed evening (largely onset by my hormones), finding myself restless in my sleep. I moved from my bed to my futon in the dark. I started to reflect on why my recent, abrupt breakup with my ex-partner of three years felt so traumatic. What did those events trigger? During this meditation, I curled up and transported to my 8-year old self. Suddenly I was experiencing the feelings--the edge of fear and exposed vulnerability--of myself, aware that my environment didn't feel stable, a degree of unsafety, and an enormous weight of responsibility to ignore these feelings, take care of my family, and meet outsiders' expectations of being an overachieving child. I spoke to her for the first time in twenty years. I assured her that her feelings were valid but she would leave the other end of this experience safe and well, that she was cared for in some ways even though she did not know this, and with so much instability around her, and that she ultimately met her and everyone's expectations, which was totally unnecessary for her to do as a child, yet an absolutely incredible feat. It was significant for me to visit her that evening. And most of all, if I want to truly root out my stomach pain I'll have to visit her, and many other versions of her younger and older selves, more regularly.

So, I'm re-claiming this time and space as "re-embodied." I want to live in my stomach and entire mid-section part of my body from which I had dissociated for almost a year. Core exercises will help. Cutting back on "comfort" eating is essential. Self-massages to give my ailing abdomen love (and stimulate digestion) is an imperative. But carefully re-visiting the emotional under-layers that have been under consistent, micro-stress for so long--constant and under-returned care-taking and all of the sacrifice that way of being entails--is where the healing lies. And fortunately I have enough support to identify which wholistic healing methods will help the most at this moment in my life. I need to push through nagging parts of my conscious mind that naively assumed that I had identified most of my childhood trauma during my 2 and a half years of therapy in college, and the week's routine that can lull me out of any sense of urgency to do this intentional work. Otherwise, the Universe will remind me every time--through my body and otherwise--that past says to the future, "there's no full life without a more whole self."

Monday, September 24, 2012

Blackbird


Blackbird, stalking in the sky,
In a world so open, you must encircle why?
Nature is, and humans be,
Is it time or is it me?

Father Rock's jagged edges cleave and cut,
Mother Sun's glowing light forces eyes to shut,
Sister Wind's gusts whip hard and sharp,
Brother River's stream runs faster than the heart.

I say, "I do not move, I am here,"
I feel "breath is fleeting, you are near."
Blackbird, with flight so easy and slow,
In a world so open, where must you go?

Today I untangle your ugly, your dark and your wrath,
This moment I see all, even the shadow of your path,
You do not come, and as I wait, the air grows clear,
I proudly say, it is because, "I am here."

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Underlying Control

Last night I observed that recently I was not "living in my body." This morning I decided to walk in Rock Creek Park with a dharma podcast instead of sleeping-in, which as of late has become many of the subtle ways that I indulged in my mind's directions for my body rather than listening to my body directly. I chose to listen to Abdi Assadi's Open New York Center Workshop.

Abdi Assadi's Q&A's are always honest, challenging, and insightful. In the first half of this Q&A the discussion turned toward control. Here, Assadi observed that many of us condemn "control freaks" without extending compassion to its source--the feeling of unsafety. Similarly, ultra-responsible people tend to operate from the same sort of subconscious motivation. I put myself in the latter category, and have before made the connection between safety and ultra-responsibility but only as an explanation for my habit energy from my childhood, not as a "live" relationship between my conscious and subconscious.

This past weekend I had shared with those whom I practice I have had felt lighter these several months because I was shrugging responsibility. I often play that role so letting it go in aspects of my life has felt like a relief. Its given me the energy and space to be more attentive in the parts of my life where I would like to be more healthily present and sometimes responsible, just not anxiously, all of the time. I believe that I've arrived here because, more than ever, I do feel genuine safety: I've re-shaped previously harmful family relationships; I have a beautifully trusting romantic relationship with a kind person who treats me gently and honestly; I have deep friendships that have withstood joyful and difficult times; and I've learned to trust in my own inner-resourcefulness and resilience to deal with, and be present with, most things.

So this is where I am, for however long, with some awareness and lots of gratitude. May all beings feel safe.




Thursday, April 19, 2012

15 Questions

Lately I've become very aware of the absence of my intentional (Buddhist) practice these past several months.

The reasons are probably varied: other meditative practices in my life at the moment; a subconscious aversion to things that I'll uncover by making myself vulnerable in that way; changes in my past practice supports; general  post-school life re-calibrations. Whatever the sources, I have at least a vague intention to assess whether my mind's story that my focus is "embodying the practice" is more of a truth or more of a lie.

I created a 15-question "self-interview" to examine this further, using the Eightfold Path as my guiding principles. My intention is to ask each question--inspired by conscious areas of my practice for sometime--& "sit" with it to notice my immediate impulse.

Hope to share more on the outcome soon.

Right View
When I am suffering, do I feel myself suffering? When my suffering is absent, do I feel its absence? When I am comfortable, do I feel comfort?

Am I holding on to anything, at the moment, for the sole reason that it feels safe?


Right Intention
Am I aware of any experiences that I have avoided recently?

Today, am I attached to the idea that life will get better than it is?

Right Speech
Am I regularly using harsh speech  in my head toward myself or others?

Have I neglected to say something that was necessary to share?

Right Action
Am I avoiding the destruction of all life?

Am I cultivating compassion toward a person to whom I felt neutral or hostile toward a year ago?

Right Livelihood
Is the amount of overall working time in my life allow myself sufficient balance to sustain me?

Am I dedicating enough mindfulness in my interactions and relationships with my co-workers?

Right Effort
Am I bringing intentionality to my dharma practice on a daily basis?

Am I dedicating time each week to cultivate aspects or experiences that make me feel whole?

Right Mindfulness
Am I able to stay immersed in a meditative state for a longer time than I could six months ago?

How have I treated my body today?

Right Concentration
As I engage in mindfulness practice to still my mind, what do I experience when I observe at its window's edge?

Sunday, March 25, 2012

"Toward the Heart of Justice" Speech Part 3


Yesterday, on March 24, I had the honor of serving as keynote speaker for the Women's Diversity Conference (note: my bio info isn't updated) at Adrian College. This conference is a rarity in a conservative, rural Michigan town, spearheaded by a few courageous female staff and faculty members whose roles at the institution and community are to inform, enlighten, and challenge. There was a subversive quality to this conference--it was cool to be connected to it. Enjoy!  

Part Three – Three Values

In January of this year, I joined 125 people to attend an event hosted by Project South and Southerners On New Ground called the Queer Peoples Movement Assembly. Here, a working definition for queer liberation was presented:

Queer liberation seeks liberation for all peoples through working for the recognition of our whole selves; the integrity of the relationships and families we embrace; self-determination in choices for our bodies in sexuality, gender, eroticism, disability, safety, and privacy; the dignity of our spiritual practices; fairness in our economic systems, our work and its compensation; full access to participating in and benefiting from society's institutions; human rights for all; and justice as a birthright for all.

This statement is powerful to me because it relates an affirmation—what a free world for queer and all people would feel like. Importantly, this definition is powerful alone because it was communicated at the Assembly. Even if you and I will never experience liberation, as defined here, we will know that this possibility exists, which I suggest to you is enough. Imaginative politics is the seed for our inspiration, and a roadmap for our work.

But, if we have opportunities to embody our visions then we should be courageous to do so. Queer Liberation, along with Hip Hop and Buddhism has yet again transformed my relationship with power in recent years. Queer leftists have shown me that it is possible to build a community based on the politics around love. Hip Hop introduced me the politicized poetry of critique and possibility. And Buddhism gave me a pathway through which to practice healing and shattering conditioned myths in my life. I am certain that each of you has or will bond with a freedom tradition, whether political, spiritual, artistic, or most likely the fusion of all of these things. In it you may discover that the power that you and we already possess is tremendous, and that the unification of our collective power is but a multiplier.

I briefly want to touch on three specific values from these traditions that have sustained me over time: embracing vulnerability, experiencing wholeness, and cultivating radical imagination.

Embracing vulnerability to me is living freely to recognize your and others unrealized power. The politics of control and domination are interrupted when we embrace our own fears and anxieties to transcend them. It requires intention, honesty, support, and above all, gentleness. In the VRRP work, this means that I openly explain to every group that I train that there is a great deal that I don’t know, but through sharing information I hope not only to learn, I want to serve as a repository so that I can share with others with whom I come in contact. I try not to worry about being perceived as inexperienced, lacking confidence, or ceding “authority.” In the end, I think that I am striving toward justice when I can shed my ego for the benefit of the work.

By identifying my fears and routinely practicing to overcome them, I find that I am creating an opening for experiencing wholeness. I try to be aware in my life when I am internally separated—when I am feeling “small” because parts of me are ignored, repressed or neglected. In the day-to-day grind that means remembering to live in my body, as I can get stuck living in my head as an intellectual person. With political work this often means avoiding spaces where all of my identities or experiences—happy or sad, neat or messy, known or unknown—are not welcomed. Whether I am in Black Baptist Church in the state capital, Richmond, Virginia or at rural county fair at the far southwestern tip of Galax, Virginia, I will have on gender ambiguous clothing and will publicly name Golden Girls as my favorite TV show of all-time, if I’m ever asked.  Experiencing wholeness is a barometer of the balance of power around me. The more free I feel, the closer I am to the heart of justice. 

And the ways in which we are able to shake away from our own ego-driven desires, burdensome expectations, pernicious myths, and senseless conventions, inside and outside of ourselves, the easier it is to live in the world that we imagine, the world that we are striving toward. Some dismiss radical imagination as the stuff idealistic kids chase vainly after. On the contrary, iconic feminist thinker, and progressive Buddhist, bell hooks, explained in a 1996 interview:

"...my mother in Kentucky always used to say, 'Life is not promised," in the sense that boredom is a luxury in this world. Where life is always fleeting, each moment has to be seized. For us children, that was a lesson in imagination, because she was always urging us to think of the imagination as that which allows you to crack through that space of ennui and get back going." 

bell hooks’ memory is not about childhood naivety or escapism. Rather, it is recalling a survival strategy against complacency, a way to remain steeped in realities that are exhausting and harsh. Possibility can be the present if we willing to call upon our hope to thrive as people. After all, in a traditional place like Virginia, there will be no reason to do the work for a freer democracy, absent a daring—audacious—imagination. For without the unthinkable there is no thought, and without the unattainable there is no spirit to endeavor.

Conclusion

In this room some of us will become public servants who will make decisions, big and small, that will affect our collective well-being in a political environment. Others will similarly make decisions affecting our collective well-being though perhaps in less formal and less public ways. Regardless of how we engage with powerful institutions, we maintain capacities to interact with people who make up these institutions, and to re-shape our relationships to their power and therefore, its power. For all of us, fleeting moments of choice, feeling, and imagination will define our course toward or away from the heart of justice.

Fully experiencing the “in between-ness” of living within but striving toward the heart of justice resonates with our present struggles and our manifested dreams. Power drapes our everyday outlooks, is sensed in our bodies, and resides in the recesses of our mind, which, upon acknowledgment is an opportunity to transform. We are much more than parts of a whole, we are power, and choose to either share it generously or hoard it selfishly.  I hope by sharing my own formative experiences with power, explaining the ways in which my current work engages with law and electoral politics, and offering values that have sustained me to live more freely so that I can resist and build, that you too can envision and embody a world where we practice supreme bigheartedness and love. Because while there is an infinite supply of power, our experiences as humans during our lifetimes are remarkably finite.



"Toward the Heart of Justice" Speech Part 2


Yesterday, on March 24, I had the honor of serving as keynote speaker for the Women's Diversity Conference (note: my bio info isn't updated) at Adrian College. This conference is a rarity in a conservative, rural Michigan town, spearheaded by a few courageous female staff and faculty members whose roles at the institution and community are to inform, enlighten, and challenge. There was a subversive quality to this conference--it was cool to be connected to it. Enjoy!  

Part 2 – Engaging Law & Politics  

So, what is it like to be a young, queer, Black, southern female lawyer working in Virginia on felon disenfranchisement (which I’ll explain more about shortly)? Well, it’s slow-moving, stressful, and humbling. It requires me to constantly adapt to my environment, navigate internal and external politics, and take well-calculated risks. Most of all, it forces me to deal with broader questions like whether and how engaging with power helps the people with whom I work, and systems which we need to collectively dismantle and re-build?

I want to address this fundamental question about strategically approaching powerful institutions in two parts to provide context to my current work. The first part is dissecting a myth prevalent in social justice circles. Often, it is posed this way—is it better to work on the “inside” or “outside” the system. I don’t think that this framing is complete.  The reality is that each of us exists within powerful institutions—we buy food within a capitalist economy, we make consumer decisions manipulated by the advertisement industry, we receive news generated by corporate media sources, and most important, we know and love people who not only wholeheartedly embrace these institutions, but we are closely connected to other humans who are integral to the perpetuation of these institutions—whom I call decision-makers and power-brokers.

Many of us are influenced, and exist within, powerful institutions even if we are actively resisting their forces. Some of us are re-shaping our relationships to these institutions by making intentionally choices that tip the balance of power. Therefore, the real issues that we encounter are not whether to work “within” or “outside” the “system.” Instead, the real issues are how we should we exist “inside” powerful institutions. To which degree should these institutions affect us? In my view, the existential problem for those who want to strive toward the heart of justice is how to engage with powerful institutions without being crushed.

The second part is how we can positively build alternative institutions, commonly described as “working outside the system.” Often this part is posed this way, lodged as a grenade against those seeking justice—“if you don’t like the current system and don’t have ideas about how to change it, shut up.” First, this rationale is nothing more than a silencing tactic that is designed to stifle critique and is no more productive in addressing problems that we face. Second, I want to defend speaking out, because expressing rage, sadness, grief, and excitement is important in itself, as serving as a mirror into the institutions that we create, and being healing to those who are airing their reactions.   

It is, nonetheless, critical that we work to build alternative institutions that more responsibly deal with power. And we have to remember that these alternatives are inspired by, and informed by existing institutions of power. Here, is where the most creative, fun, imaginative, and powerful work lives. We see people in the US doing this work all of the time—the Highlander Folk School that taught literacy and provided civil disobedience training during the popular Civil Rights Movement; the South Central Farm of the late 1990s, which was at a time the largest community garden and urban farm in the country, promoting greater and better food access; the explosion of Ithaca Hours and other local currencies in the last twenty years created to encourage neighborhood economies; and even the Occupy Wall Street Movement, which put democratic consensus  governance, an alternative to majority-rule governance, on the national map. This form of resistance is the site of many interesting cultural, social, economic and political experiments, equal in importance to resisting powerful institutions.

One of my favorite radical thinkers, Robin D.G. Kelley, Professor of American Studies and Ethnicity at the University of Southern California, writes extensively about transformative possibility. In a 2010 interview, his interviewer asked why he has so much optimism about the future. 

Robin says, "It doesn't come from any abstract sense of hope. Nor does it come from any sense of denial about the political realities that confront us and the extent of power and how it works. It comes out of being a historian. There are so many historical examples of seemingly impossible circumstances in which we had these revolutionary transformations." 

Without vivid imagination, no positive future would ever exist.

I outline these frameworks because, like many other people, I try to work on both levels—intentionally engaging with powerful institutions, and affirmatively building alternative institutions that maintain healthier relationships with power. Likewise, my fellowship project tries to engage and build on these levels, creating possibilities beyond the law and electoral politics.

 Virginia is one of four states that forever strips citizens’ civil rights, including their right to vote, upon a felony conviction. This type of law is commonly referred to as “felon disenfranchisement.”In 2004, at least 377,000 people were estimated to be disenfranchised, or in other words, alienated from their natural civic and political rights borne from their status as US citizens. Most notably, disenfranchisement permanently carves out a fraction of the electorate, which is disproportionately people of color, working-class and poor, disabled, and likely queer/transgender-identified.  For example, about 55% of disenfranchised citizens in Virginia are African-American, which make up less than 20% of the state population.

In Virginia, the only way for disenfranchised citizens to restore their civil rights is through individual Governor petition. Only 1,000 people each year restore their rights, on average. There are ten eligibility criteria that eliminate or discourage many people from accessing the system. In the end, after jumping every hoop and climbing every ladder, the Governor may deny an application for any reason and no reason at all, with no appeal process.

Some criticize the system as being fundamentally broken, unfair, and inhumane. Others, like brilliant legal scholar, Michelle Alexander, author of The New Jim Crow: Mass Incarceration in the Age of Colorblindness, argue that systems such as these are relics of bygone eras that expressly intended to deny full Black citizenship. I go even further to say that Virginia’s disenfranchisement system remains because powerful interests (cut across race and class lines) cannot maintain their democratic stranglehold if it is changed. I think that it is designed to silently kill the democratic dream.

My Equal Justice Works fellowship, the Virginia Rights Restoration Project, which I’ll call VRRP, is an initiative aimed at building long-term infrastructure to dismantle the existing system. VRRP’s specific goal is to engineer new, creative strategies toward the alternative of automatic restoration upon sentence completion, which was necessary after two hard-fought but lost campaigns to pressure previous Governors into changing the law.

The overarching strategy of the project is to “open the system up.” The prediction is the more it is forced to function the way it is purported to work, the harder it is to sustain, because as the system must accommodate to provide greater access, and more people can access it, the sooner its insidious discriminatory purpose becomes clear. It will transform—the uncertainty is merely when and how.

Specifically, VRRP has a three “micro-strategies” designed to add pressure to the system. They consist of direct service and direct-action strategies, disabling strategies, and dismantling strategies, though, in actuality, it is only the accumulation of these approaches that can lead to change. At nearly the six-month mark, community members and I have distributed over a 1000 rights restoration guides, setup rights restoration clinics and clinic programs across the state including at five colleges,  begun building a grassroots strategy with state organizers, forced the state government to surrender data revealing the law’s significant impact, facilitated greater access through document translation, and challenged long-standing beliefs through legal research that the only avenues to change is by Governor executive order or constitutional amendment. There is much more to do, particularly as we are in the midst of forming a litigation strategy to better position grassroots forces. Nevertheless, VRRP’s intention is to form a praxis, on which to aggressively engage the law and politics in our favor.

In a more concrete sense these strategies mean that I receive a lot of phone calls from people who need help, which I happily answer. I end up in various law libraries throughout the Commonwealth, digging through microfiche, which is fascinating.  I find myself facilitating webinar trainings on Saturdays, which I gladly do. And I come up with a dozen ideas about things to try each week, of which one might be worth looking into.

Sometimes I find myself doing unexpected things. For example, I’ve been assisting a person named Tony Suggs with a pardon application for several months. A pardon is a request to the Governor to officially “forgive” a person for a crime or criminal history. Tony had his rights restored in 2006, and helped my organization during our previous campaign. Now he hopes to work in the local school system as a coach to fulfill his passion to mentor young people headed toward the criminal system. Though a pardon far from guarantees that he can overcome the school system’s rigid rules about hiring people with felony convictions, it will greatly increase his chances.

Tony’s story is unique and the kind that receive “official forgiveness” from the state. He suffered from severe physical and sexual abuse as a young child. At age 10, his parents abandoned him and his younger brother in the family home, forcing them to go hungry. His father eventually put him to work packaging his dope, and soon he founded himself in the street life. But rather than being an anonymous addict, he evidently was a boxing prodigy. He became the top ranked boxer in the world (in his weight class) and favored to win Gold at the 1988 Seoul Olympics.

Throughout his ascent, he struggled to fight his addiction, and lost control upon losing his first child to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). He was a qualifying match away when he was re-arrested for probation violation, after he failed the mandatory drug test. In Tony’s mind, he lost everything. He voluntarily entered rehab after his jail stint, got clean, addressed his emotional pain with support groups and therapy, and lives very differently. For over twenty years he has been a devoted father of Little Anthony, surrogate father to his brother’s six children, an active church member, and community mentor. It has been important for me to learn Tony’s story, and work with him on his petition. Although I never intended to complete pardon petitions through VRRP, its personal meaning to Tony is a radically political act.     

But let’s take a step back for a moment to examine law as a powerful institution. Can the law really help disenfranchised citizens? [Why?] An underlying assumption of my fellowship project is that it can, yet it is an assumption that I question every day. Ultimately I believe, as many radical lawyers do, that the law can only play a limited role in its own self-correction.

Law, as an institution, is a difficult place to engage with power for numerous reasons. As legal scholar and activist, Dean Spade, Assistant Professor at Seattle University School of Law, explains how social movements are affected by their over-reliance on legal institutions, his essay, “For Those Considering LawSchool”:

“Most legal work maintains systems of maldistribution, it does not transform
them…Very often, legal change that emerges in these moments heavily compromises the demands of grassroots movements in ways that end up providing symbolic victory and possibly a small amount of material change to the least vulnerable of the group who the demands were about, but leave most people the same or worse off. US law is fundamentally structured to establish and uphold settler colonialism, white supremacy and capitalism---the legal system will not dismantle these things. The idea that people who want to make change will make the biggest impact by becoming lawyers and bringing precedent-setting lawsuits needs to be released in the face of what movement history reveals.  Once you let go of that idea, you can start to think about what role lawyers should or could have in social movements and evaluate whether you see yourself in those roles.”

Dean Spade is largely responding to decades of landmark civil right victories for LGBT people. For example, even as laws like the Matthew Shepard and James Byrd Jr. Hate Crimes Prevention Act of 2009 are enacted, LGBT and queer violence continues to be as ruthless as ever, particularly for queer/trans, working-class and poor people of color who are already systemic targets of institutional abuse by police, courts, and prisons. Law doesn’t solve these problems but can bolster the positions of broad-based movements that, as Dean Spade believes is historically effective, of making demands that exceed the law. His advice to understand our roles as people engaging with law-making institutions extends not only to prospective law students but to any person wishing to enter electoral politics.

Within the institution of law lies perhaps the most controversial institution at the moment: electoral politics.  The optics of electoral politics may seem counterintuitive to justice-seekers because it is about maintaining power with, and over others, without full acknowledgement that it is the very purpose of electoral politics. It can also be among the more challenging institutions to engage with as a person committed to collective justice because it is about individual, self-preservation of that power. It can prove difficult to align collective values with a desire to maintain a powerful position, from which a person can wield influence on the local, state, or national levels. I admire women and anyone else carefully trying to achieve this balance.

These tensions come up in VRRP. This year, for the first time, a white Republican lawmaker introduced an automatic rights restoration bill. I was excited because his interest in the issue changed the politics around a proposal that historically starts each year dead in the water. This lawmaker introduced a narrow proposal that would automatically restore voting rights for so-called non-violent offenders because, based on his calculations, it was the most politically palpable.  Before I learned about his bill I had “shopped” around the idea to other lawmakers about separating the two civil rights stripped by state law into separate bills. My rationale is if voting rights in the hot-button issue that stalled proposals year after year, then, why not sever the issues disenfranchised people could at least restore some of their rights, if passed. Sound reasonable? This was apparently an exceptionally bad idea. I was told that separating the issues would exhaust the limited political capital that existed for lawmakers to consider this issue. In other words, lawmakers would grow tired of making laws. The worst part was it was good advice, even though the bill died in subcommittee.

As a long-time legislative observer and one-time state lobbyist, I’ve seen legislators wishing to maintain a delicate balance between their self-preservation to maintain power and forceful advocacy to represent their beliefs. The entrenched political challenge of our time may be this: how do you peacefully and effectively govern diverse communities, states, and nations with others who hold fundamentally different values?

On one hand, there is the Barack Obama philosophy, which consists of forging consensus by finding common ground. On the other hand, there is Tea Party philosophy, which consists of abandoning all sense of self-preservation to govern according to rigid but sincerely-held principles. These philosophies are not left versus right—they are not even purely are purely ideological. I think that neither philosophy reflects the true nature of the problem because it is distorted by choices within a “winner-take-all” two-party system.

I believe that the main source of our present-day political tensions is between those who want to invest and nurture public institutions and those who want to demolish and undermine them. Developing a political agenda around protecting public institutions and organizing electoral support around this guiding principle has the potential to disrupt the prevailing status quo.   

My only other insight comes from popular education teacher and theorist, Paulo Freire, explained in his leftist classic, Pedagogy of the Oppressed, that the cure to oppression is our own humanity. The heart of justice resides within our institutions: people. If we humanize our politics, we have hope for better government. Let me be clear. Humanizing politics is more than civil discourse. We see, after all, how collegial lawmakers respectfully cooperate to pass devastating laws that hurt other people and our natural environment, often in the name of economic prosperity. These politics are a false choice. The choice to humanize politics, in my mind, means measuring your actions against your values to sustain our collective well-being. These are moral struggles, which are entirely burdensome to take on for public scrutiny, but are utmost essential.

People who not only engage with, but enter into, electoral politics must be vigilant in noticing to the degree which they are being changed by the politics and politics are changing them. What are my values? Do these values promote collective well-being? Do I feel as if I have some control? Is this the most meaningful contribution to the world that I can make? These are questions that I ordinarily ask as a lawyer and political player, working in one of the most conservative states in the country. I think any person intentionally engaging in law and politics must worry about the direction in which she is moving—toward her heart of justice, or more distant.

"Toward the Heart of Justice" Speech Part 1


Yesterday, on March 24, I had the honor of serving as keynote speaker for the Women's Diversity Conference (note: my bio info isn't updated) at Adrian College. This conference is a rarity in a conservative, rural Michigan town, spearheaded by a few courageous female staff and faculty members whose roles at the institution and community are to inform, enlighten, and challenge. There was a subversive quality to this conference--it was cool to be connected to it. Enjoy!  

Introduction
Let me begin by thanking Cari Massey, Idali Feliciano, Nathan Goetting, and the Women Studies and Multicultural Programs Office for allowing me to speak today. I appreciated the time it afforded me to reflect, and I feel that it is an incredible opportunity to share these reflections with like-spirited people. I am very grateful to have witnesses on this journey of mine.  

During our brief time I want to share some reflection about power. I chose this topic because I believe it aligns with this year’s conference theme of encouraging and preparing women to run for public office. I also believe that it fits within the conference’s tradition of bringing women together to discuss our diverse histories and visions, which I am proud to recognize enters its fifth year.

Power is at the center of all spheres of life. It is the force that I constantly investigate at all levels of my own life. And it is a quality that I experiment with, to learn our abilities to transform it toward the heart of justice.  In my experience with powerful institutions, the test is to learn who and what can change the most toward the heart of justice, or in many more cases, how can we become less distant from it? If we cannot permanently reside in the heart of justice, we live and strive in between where we presently are and where we dream of being.  It is my experience occupying the “in between” space—of living between but striving toward justice—that I know very well, and that I wish to share with you in my brief remarks.

I have organized my reflections in three parts. First, I want to share some formative experiences in my life that have led me to this point where I am speaking with all of you. Second, I want share about my current experience as a community-lawyer working in Virginia with disenfranchised people, as it relates to engaging powerful institutions—law and politics. Third, I want to share about three foundational values that have sustained me while living “in between” but striving toward the heart of justice: embracing vulnerability, experiencing wholeness, and cultivating radical imagination. Finally, I want to leave time for a post-remark discussion with y’all. 

Part 1 – Formative Experiences

I want to begin by telling you about formative experiences that help explain the ways in which my consciousness around power has been shaped. 

Like many of us I learned about power in my early life. I was born in Washington DC but lived with my great grandmother, great aunts, and second cousins in Columbus, Georgia for my first six months, as a favor to my mother. Though it broke my mom’s heart to separate from her first born, she later related to me that she had little choice after she left an abusive home, lived in her car, worked three jobs, and had two babysitters who threatened to take me from her. Before I was a year old I had witnessed at least four expressions of power: 1) my mother’s tenacity to survive, 2) her deep instinct to protect her child, 3) various social and economic conditions that diminished her choices, and 4) the reenactment of a devastating history of forced separation between Black mothers and their children.

I was directly confronted with racism for the first time soon after returning to my mom’s care, during which time she met my father and was pregnant with my little brother.  Our DC-family uprooted to Billings, Montana, for my father’s new work assignment, which was still Klan country during the late 80s and early 90s.

A couple of months into kindergarten I gathered the courage to ask another little girl why she always moved when I sat next to her for story-time. Her explanation was surprisingly simple: she didn’t want to sit next to me because I was a nigger. I was stunned and horrified. I immediately understood the power contained in this word because more than her act of uttering the word, I felt the contempt in her voice, which sprang from her lips like venom from a snake. At the same time, as a pensive five-year old I was equally confused—what did this have to do with story-time? Where did she learn that word? Did other children feel that way? What I understood the least was why this girl—herself as Latina—harbored such strong feelings about me?

Of course, after my mom heard about my day at school she fulfilled every angry Black woman stereotype. My parents went on to re-activate the town’s NAACP, appear in local newspapers about our experience with racism in Billings, and organize a diversity parade with indigenous, Latino, and other Black families. As many resistance stories go, my parents fought hard but were forced back to DC. We moved cross-country to Centreville, Virginia, an affluent suburb outside of DC, where my parents felt that if their children had to deal with racism, my brother and I could at least earn a good education in one of the well-regarded school districts in the country.

My beginnings in Centreville were more similar to Billings than not. While, I had fewer overt encounters with racism, I quickly detected the serious contradictions of privileged suburban life as an outsider.

I also held profound contradictions in my life at school and away from school. For example, in second grade, I waged a playground campaign so that I could play basketball with the boys who didn’t want me to play for no other reason than that I was a girl. I eventually won, beat many of them, and gained enough respect that they would become disappointed when I didn’t play, but it would become one of many battles to gain visibility. 

Away from school, I was self-aware that I was really drawn to girls, especially ones in flower dresses, in ways that most other girls were apparently not. More present with me, however, was being responsible for myself, my brother, and other little children on our block. I grappled with anxiety and shame as my parents struggled with addiction, despite our best efforts to maintain nothing-wrong, middle class front. At the same time, I remember similar plights of other neighborhood children, who, like all those who live with adults and therefore deal with adult problems, were experiencing hard things—from severe physical, sexual and emotional abuse to economic insecurity. Through all of these experiences, I came to appreciate who we are as humans—sympathetic, complex, and resilient.

My high school years were awkward. I transitioned from being a serious, multi-sport athlete to a card-carrying geek. I had loved sports because in playing I learned how to healthily exist within a team. However, I quit my primary sport, soccer, just before junior Olympic qualification trials, in protest of the team’s hyper-competitive culture. With much more time on my hands I accidentally found politics.

A few other geeky friends and I founded our school’s Gay-Straight Alliance with the naïve hope that we could have a space to identify other gay students and essentially talk about gay television shows. Apparently, according to numerous angry parents, we started the club to talk about our sexual fetishes and convert other confused teenagers into our sex cult. That would have been more fun. A handful of us stood up against fierce parental opposition, threats of violence, vicious rumors about inappropriate relationships with faculty members, and a Fellowship of Christian Athlete campaign to end our club. In the end, the GSA survived, and still exists, but I was tired of Centreville.  

I left as soon as I could to the College of William and Mary in Williamsburg, Virginia. Once I left, I understood both the attractive and ugly sides of privilege. On one hand, Centreville instilled an upper middle-class culture in me that has proved invaluable in giving me access to, and allowing me how to navigate powerful institutions. Yet, acquiring these qualities came at a high cost because I felt throughout my life that I was deeply misunderstood, harshly judged, and violently reacted to, not merely because I was an outsider, but because I was a non-conformist. I learned that genuine non-conformity is dangerous to dominant culture and institutions because it contains the power to uncover their fragility. Importantly, I found language to describe these experiences in college. There were even entire disciplines dedicated to studying these social forces that shaped my life for eighteen years. Classes in sociology, history, women and black studies, anthropology, and other programs impressed onto me a memorable theme: institutions exhibited as much power as we, as individuals, invest into them.

I also discovered my own intellect in college. It was not affirmative action that made me feel inferior to my rich, white peers—it was the consistent subtly biased messages that I was smart, but never the smartest, that I wrote well but never the best, that I was thoughtful but never the sharpest. At William & Mary, I found incredible female mentors who affirmed my abilities to read, write, and think. Not only did they reinforce that my abilities were among the best, but they challenged me to shed the lie to be afraid of my own power, which I had been imperceptibly taught. Their confidence in me fostered an understanding that I was simply seeing things and speaking in ways that were unfamiliar in my old environment. I finally developed a trust that my future could be driven by my own power, not merely depend on others’ shortcomings. 

At the same time that I was experiencing my own quiet transformation at school, I was introduced to community organizing as a means for collective transformation. I connected with a multi-issue organizing group, called Virginia Organizing Project, during my second year. I joined a statewide racial profiling campaign, local affordable housing campaign, and spent a summer organizing a new chapter for the group before I graduated. The model of undergoing a strategic group process to expose what is hurting a community, what will help, and create a long-term plan to address the harm is undeniably powerful. Issue campaign organizing transformed my beliefs about the origins of political change and scale of movement-building. I went on to become a staff organizer with Virginia Organizing Project (now Virginia Organizing) for a year after college.

My transition out of college was a seminal period. My politics evolved as I came to know different styles of organizing—community-building organizing and healing justice organizing—through a group called Southerners on New Ground (SONG), a queer liberationist group based in Atlanta, GA. I love SONG because they were the first organization to tell me that queers and other outsiders should stay and claim their homes in the South. And in this group, I found a home, where I did not have to privilege parts of myself to participate or compete for precious political space and resources. A place where laughing, eating, and forming deep relationships was the political work.

Discovering SONG and its sister organizations inspired an inner-revolution within myself, leading me to loudly resign from a board position at Virginia’s lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) advocacy group, after a protracted battle over racism, trans-phobia, and wealth elitism within the organization. Interestingly, the board with which I separated myself was full of rich lawyers. I can partially credit them with my decision to attend law school, because I saw no reason why people like me and those close to me should not share the same levels of power as these other board members. So, I spent months emotionally and intellectually preparing to attend law school, and entered American University Washington College of Law in 2008.

Before moving on to share about my fellowship, I want to briefly mention two non-political events that transformed me before law school. First, I came to know Terrell Jackson through a pen-pal program, who was an amazing young man who was sentenced to death-row. We eventually called each other “brother” and “sister” after four years of being in each other’s lives. He was murdered by the state of Virginia in August 2011. Second, I discovered meditation, then Buddhism, which is teaching me about impermanence—the inevitability of separation; compassion—that which gives us the capacity to transform; and selflessness—revealing the self-imposition and self-censorship that reinforce the illusion that our interconnectedness is not real. These developments, and my law school experience, led to my political radicalization and current practice as a radical lawyer.

I share all of these experiences to demonstrate that they are not wholly personal. I hope that there was resonance with, or reactions that arose, based on your own experiences. I also intended for them to demonstrate our intricate, simultaneous relationships with power. Power is not a foreign force that controls us—it is a pervasive site of struggle that we control as people. 

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Struggle with my Own Hilarity

I actually think that I am a very funny person. But, apparently, the joke is on me because when I ask my friends to list ten attributes that describe me, I can almost guarantee that my "witty, quirky sense of humor" is not one of them.

For a long time I assumed that closeted humor was related to the fact that I do a lot of serious things, therefore, I was seen as a very serious person. Parts of me definitely are. Identity politics & organizing are perceived as militaristically serious, especially among the folks who are engulfed in them, which may explain why I never was entirely home in either of those worlds (I'm generalizing, of course). Other parts of me though are very anti-serious. People who know me best never flinch when I say out loud that least of all I take myself seriously.

I'm learning a little more about this disconnect between my perceived seriousness and self-perception as the funniest person on Earth through my work with asterisk*. asterisk* is a project started by a friend of mine, which I've gotten involved in early on, that satirizes so-called "women's magazines" by creating a spoof one. (Launch party this Saturday, 3/3 at Local 16, 7pm, by the way.) I have helped with logistics, but my main role has been looking at articles, and writing a couple too. At last, I found myself at a coffee shop not writing law review articles about new world order (please, let me be with this even though some of y'all know that I was doing that tonight). The point was it felt good to try to be publicly funny. Or rather, self-indulge in my own humor and letting other people see it.

This weird thing--this warped image of myself when I look into the "hilarity" mirror--is really my own self-censorship. I do it a lot on an unconscious level. And it's much beyond not saying the funny things in my end; it even traces to my movement--where I go & when--and other entrenched patterns that I develop as a routine-driven Taurus. I'm my best self, as in, I like myself best when I can root out the inner-filters, and let it all flow out. I hope to be perceived as a funnier person because I am. asterisk* might be a vehicle for practicing against self-censorship.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Experiencing the Surreal

Last month I read a powerful book called Freedom Dreams: The Black Radical Imagination. It marked the beginning in my curiosity about the long-time revolutionary dream and my renewed interest in reading the radical theory canon. I learned a lot from this book--about Black futurism, Black nationalism, Black reparations movement--but what deeply impressed me the most was what most affected the author--the Black Surrealist movement. It's hella cool to learn that beyond the myth that surrealism was an artistic cousin of Cubanism, surrealism was actually a socio-political creative way of being that grew in Europe but was sown by seeds in Latin America and Black North American, particularly in jazz. Richard Wright, apparently, self-identified as a surrealist, whose voice replaced my own when he said that surrealism is the Black American experience...I swear as that very thought formed in my head, I read it in his own words on the next page...I'm into it. I finished Freedom Dreams feeling satisfied that the book achieved the purpose that it sought, as my imagination danced with dreams, longings, desires, possibilities, and visions from ancestors and contemporaries, here and across the world.

And what usually happens when a book opens up your world is that life likes to demonstrate for you. Not long after reading about the Black inflection on the Surrealist movement, I had my own experience that felt (nodding sideways to find the right word)...I guess, surreal. I don't mean that I had some otherworldly, out-of-body experience or to just a plain bizarre, unexpected experience--I mean that it didn't feel real. I was fully present and aware; I breathed and lived through it; it happened in the physical world; and yet, it didn't feel as it happened. The only way to describe it was so shallowly felt that it almost seems as if it wasn't real.

I can definitely say what it was not. It wasn't a traumatic experience where I felt beyond myself, looking onto the unfolding event with confusion, anxiety, and decisiveness. It wasn't a fast, indispensable euphoric event that flashed before me, and was over before I could make anything of it, and left a lingering humor about it, like a ticklish feeling. And it wasn't a slow-motion, underwater experience where I could feel every cell in my body from excitement or fear, and watch a razor-sharp self-consciousness cut through the world which surrounded at that moment. Nah, this was something else.

It was loose and unfamiliar, fun but unknown, open but messy. It certainly took the form of what freedom looks like but I guarantee it wasn't what freedom felt. The way I was experiencing surrealism, here, wasn't true. It is the sort of freedom that you know by exploring but not the sort that you know because it unleashes things within you that you hadn't realized. Discovery, for sure, but not much more.

So, looking back, I am reinforcing ideas about my core self, which I understand is delusional in itself. I love being curious but in the end, I am not an explorer, I am a planter. The most interesting part, though, is learning that I could confidently challenge myself to explore the completely unknown--and return home ever more content with home.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Entering the Circle

This week, a spiritual friend introduced me to mandalas. The chapter containing the mandala had an introduction entitled "Entering the Circle." I enjoyed this origin story:

"Before the beginning of time, the Uroboros, a great snakelike dragon, floats in the formless void. In this pace that is no place, everything swirls together, entangled in confusion. All is gray because dark is intermingled with light. There is nothing to drink because water is buried in dry earth. There is no comfort because softness is laced with prickling sharpness. Moving within this muddle, the Uroboros slowly, majestically arches back and bits its own tail, thus creating a circle. As the myth relates, with this act, primordial chaos is transformed. The circle formed by the Uroboros sets in motion the separation of the opposites. Light emerges from darkness, water flows away from dry earth, and the touch of softness can soothe because it is freed from hardness. All is put in order, with each having its own time and place to be."

Monday, January 23, 2012

From a Distant Panic

I came across one of the most moving pieces of writing I've read from a blog post of a person I know but wish I knew better.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Floating Still

Earlier this week I wrote to a poem to a person close to me. The poem ended a letter that I wrote for myself but sent to this person to serve as a reminder that I am still loved by this person even if we were emotionally distant at a given moment, and a showing to this person that I am engaging in self-work. It was a love-demonstration.

The poem simply admits that much of what I offer within in loving relationship this person has shown herself and me that she can find within herself. It was a startlingly easy recognition for me. The harder mirror to face was the discovery that after all of these years of learning about love--searching through the crevices of affection, care, concern, gentleness, forgiveness,and honesty--I had entirely missed a very important part of loving another person: offering which I feel least able to do. And I am the worst at doing absolutely nothing.

In recent times, I have learned a couple of things about nothingness. I've learned that being is just enough--breathing is a miraculous act in itself. I've also learned that bearing witness is a transformative practice, often the ultimate form of empathy for suffering. As much as I hold these teachings close to my heart, I apparently haven't  fully integrated these lessons into my life. If I had, I would have a less dangerous relationship with intimacy.

Nothingness takes every inch of me to observe. Interestingly though, it is what is required of me now to love this person well, through my deepest insecurities. So I let go--floating still in the middle of the ocean, sky above and water below. I lay at the beginnings and endings of these profound elements of nature, and I am to say, or do, nothing.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

My Nest of Intimacies


I've recently done a lot of emotional heavy-lifting around a few relationships. Staying awake for long late night phone calls after already fallen asleep once; wincing in recognition to a truth being related to me that is so surprisingly hurtful that it causes physical pain; sitting in tense silence for several minutes during a hard conversation; reaching out to friends whose feedback I trust when I was triggered and disoriented from anger; these sorts of things. I used to view these moments as a kind of work but now they are just another Tuesday night.

I am apparently a person who likes to create intimacy the same way some people like to build ship replicas--with painstaking meticulousness. I've noticed this quality about the relationships that I form since high school. It has attracted some amazing people into my life as well as dangerous people. And yet, almost a decade later, I'm still naive about its power. I've been separated from three close friends in the last three years from a particular pattern which always ends in an abrupt falling-out. It is as confusing as it is self-serving. Typically, not longer after I separate from one friend, I soon find another person with whom I connect, and then begin building intimacy around again. It is both destructive and regenerative.

In the last month different people have described my way of doing intimacy as "overwhelming," " a beautiful offering," and something like vulnerability. If put these descriptions together and in that order I think that is about right.

I am honestly a little afraid to touch it right now (as in share it with anyone new) because I've been conditioned, especially from people who I've regrettably hurt, to treat my intimacy like poison. Seductively pervasive, unnoticeable, and fatal.  At the same time my intimate relationships, like most others, are of the best kind--the most fulfilling and rewarding, so part of me is asking why give that up? In fact, my friend's reassurance that my ability to be so deeply intimate was a "beautiful gift" allowed me to relate to it more positively for the first time, ever.

When reflecting on my current capacities though, I am open to sharing lots of love in my life, which, I am taught and immediately feel, is of endless supply. But I feel as though I have to ration my intimacy for the first time, taking to it the same meticulousness with which I am used to building it. And that feels sad.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

The Experiment

Last night during my 2012 New Year's celebration with beautiful friends, old and new, I used the phrase "broken wide open" to describe 2011. I've heard the phrase before; I'm nearly certain in relation to a Buddhist idea about insight and transformation. Whatever its origin it was exactly the right way to describe this past year, with emphasis on the "wide open" part. 2011 was a tremendous year. It was full of transitions: from school to work, from living with my partner to living alone, from struggling with old patterns to creating new ones. I earned recognition and had a person close to me murdered; I've come to know tremendous freedom within my relationships and I dealt with violence against, and within my family. It was a well-lived year, in which one of the questions I've consistently asked of myself is how honest can you be? To help myself continuing asking this question I thought to share this experience, as I did in Metaminute about my two-year exploration on a reflective spiritual plane. This is the "Broken Wide Open" experiment. We'll see how this goes!