Struggle with my Own Hilarity

I actually think that I am a very funny person. But, apparently, the joke is on me because when I ask my friends to list ten attributes that describe me, I can almost guarantee that my "witty, quirky sense of humor" is not one of them.

For a long time I assumed that closeted humor was related to the fact that I do a lot of serious things, therefore, I was seen as a very serious person. Parts of me definitely are. Identity politics & organizing are perceived as militaristically serious, especially among the folks who are engulfed in them, which may explain why I never was entirely home in either of those worlds (I'm generalizing, of course). Other parts of me though are very anti-serious. People who know me best never flinch when I say out loud that least of all I take myself seriously.

I'm learning a little more about this disconnect between my perceived seriousness and self-perception as the funniest person on Earth through my work with asterisk*. asterisk* is a project started by a friend of mine, which I've gotten involved in early on, that satirizes so-called "women's magazines" by creating a spoof one. (Launch party this Saturday, 3/3 at Local 16, 7pm, by the way.) I have helped with logistics, but my main role has been looking at articles, and writing a couple too. At last, I found myself at a coffee shop not writing law review articles about new world order (please, let me be with this even though some of y'all know that I was doing that tonight). The point was it felt good to try to be publicly funny. Or rather, self-indulge in my own humor and letting other people see it.

This weird thing--this warped image of myself when I look into the "hilarity" mirror--is really my own self-censorship. I do it a lot on an unconscious level. And it's much beyond not saying the funny things in my end; it even traces to my movement--where I go & when--and other entrenched patterns that I develop as a routine-driven Taurus. I'm my best self, as in, I like myself best when I can root out the inner-filters, and let it all flow out. I hope to be perceived as a funnier person because I am. asterisk* might be a vehicle for practicing against self-censorship.