Reveal

I haven't written a blog entry for three months. Often, this means that there's little revelatory insight about which to connect with others. But my recent absence is because there's almost too much. Nearly everyone close to me has felt, has been swept, or is mercifully directing the immense energetic shift that arrived with Venus in Retrograde. Since, there's been no hiding.

I've moved homes, quit my job, forgave a person, contacted my birth-father, published my first essay, and had a change in my romantic relationship in the last three months of 2013.

Some of these changes were foreseen, others weren't--but they each came fast and furiously, without my oh-so careful consultation. The magical quality of these changes were that they didn't happen to me; rather, like so many people, as I felt the strong planetary pull after at November's end, truths made themselves obnoxiously known. And, when the Universe crashes down on you, and laughs at your astonishment that things changed, I recognized the spiritual test as one not about the Universe's audacity, but as one about making choices or, well, not.

So I decided to leave my job. Then, more truths surfaced, and I made other changes. I stumbled onto yet more truths along the way, and I chose to take every risk--choosing the choice that I would "never" make. I continued to follow and choose following the light on the dark footpath. Soon after, I found the capacity to go beyond making negative choices to making positive ones: if there was ever a time to manifest my intentions, it was now. The intuitive rabbit hole was a miraculous gift wrapped in packaging that shed to quickly that I almost doubted that it was given in the first place.

While giving chase, and at times, being chased, I've asked others: what brings you to center?

What gives you the courage to stay acutely present through unpredictability, to just hold heavy uncertainty for your well-being, security, and future, to become your own lover amidst narcissism and ego-trippin', to return to yourself, and all of that which you bring, after checking out for a few days?

The resounding response was that no one knows. Neither do I. But it's been a beautifully graceless, and supremely humbling journey so far.

My transformation is centered around deepening my self-love. Over the last year I gathered that to genuinely love myself that I must end the sabotage and I must collect my power. If I had offered myself as much care, attention, and gentleness as I'd thought, I wouldn't be so estranged from myself that I couldn't recognize my powerful selves--the possibilities that could, but weren't, the places where I was living through my imagination, the worlds in which I aspired and achieved as easily as I breathed. I wanted to say "yes" to every part of myself that this new path revealed but I was reluctant to unleash this power without the wisdom to harness it. It exists but must be excavated.

On my best days I get much closer. I shovel these parts into the outside world with fervor. To reach these parts, I'm called upon to intensely listen to myself in one ear, and listen to the Universe in the other. Deep listening for me, takes the form of total surrender.

In this practice, I have no option but to completely trust myself. Or when I've felt too small, I've entered the warm embrace of the Universe. When I return to center, I can hoard all of the tangible and intangible twists and turns because they are unmatched against my infinite resources. I have every ability and influence that I need or could hope for. I feel the continuity of lifetimes of wisdom, and that of the world, to actively shape my reality in the present moment. These are very good days. I have them sometimes :) for which I am very grateful.

Love as a practice of faith is a strong force.