Friends, earlier today I launched my website. It's essentially a freelance website all about me. I didn't expect to feel so exposed when it was live because I've written about extremely vulnerable topics on this blog and elsewhere. It explains the reasons why my subconscious dragged on this project for several weeks. There's the leap, and then, there's the free fall for all to see!
Today, more than ever, I'm grateful that I have a solid meditation practice to ground me--remind me that I am joined to forces which are powerful, hopeful, and purposeful.
But before meditation I was letting the vulnerability sit in the middle of my stomach like a giant floating lead ball. I watched it as minutes passed, then a couple of hours. I saw two three things. First, that I felt more raw about a website with little curating. Unlike a blog entry it isn't a glimpse into a window of my life--it's who I strive to be and what I do to align to my aspiration. I'm more out there than usual. Second, I have a critical community reflex. I love my political leftist comrades and communities but we oftentimes apply our critical facilities too sharply on one another, so in some ways, I'm waiting for the punches in the name of purity. Third, the website is unwittingly part of my self-love practice, because during my meditation, I had to shower myself with reminders that I'm brilliant, talented, and deserved to shape how I spend my time, and create my livelihood.
The latter was especially a new place to be. Only a few days ago was I able to say that I've left almost organization that I was paid to work for because I had either outgrown my role or I grew too weary trying to move the group toward its professed transformative vision.
I'm tired of doing that, painful, difficult, exhausting work. I'm tired of being told that I need another credential. I'm tired of being "realistic." I'm tired of putting "focus" on only one set of my passions. I'm tired of my energy and abilities being so under-valued that it's assumed that I'd work for free, especially by entities & people with resources. I'm tired of working under less dedicated & less skilled folks who come from money, who are dudes, or who simply made more conventional choices. Enuf!
Now, I know enough to shape my vision, and I've got community behind me. I bare it out on a website but honestly, I've been walkin' this way for a while.
