Last night I observed that recently I was not "living in my body." This morning I decided to walk in Rock Creek Park with a dharma podcast instead of sleeping-in, which as of late has become many of the subtle ways that I indulged in my mind's directions for my body rather than listening to my body directly. I chose to listen to Abdi Assadi's Open New York Center Workshop.
Abdi Assadi's Q&A's are always honest, challenging, and insightful. In the first half of this Q&A the discussion turned toward control. Here, Assadi observed that many of us condemn "control freaks" without extending compassion to its source--the feeling of unsafety. Similarly, ultra-responsible people tend to operate from the same sort of subconscious motivation. I put myself in the latter category, and have before made the connection between safety and ultra-responsibility but only as an explanation for my habit energy from my childhood, not as a "live" relationship between my conscious and subconscious.
This past weekend I had shared with those whom I practice I have had felt lighter these several months because I was shrugging responsibility. I often play that role so letting it go in aspects of my life has felt like a relief. Its given me the energy and space to be more attentive in the parts of my life where I would like to be more healthily present and sometimes responsible, just not anxiously, all of the time. I believe that I've arrived here because, more than ever, I do feel genuine safety: I've re-shaped previously harmful family relationships; I have a beautifully trusting romantic relationship with a kind person who treats me gently and honestly; I have deep friendships that have withstood joyful and difficult times; and I've learned to trust in my own inner-resourcefulness and resilience to deal with, and be present with, most things.
So this is where I am, for however long, with some awareness and lots of gratitude. May all beings feel safe.
